Perchance Donutception: Are We in an Expanding Pastry?
I must admit, I’ve spent a little bit of time trying to fathom the shape of the universe. Is the Universe a Donut? Such thinking has essentially zero practical application in everyday life, but, regardless, it’s where my brain wants to go.
Before we go any further into this pastry-based cosmology, allow me to set the scene: A parrot-adjacent overlord is on a cooking stint, trying to perfect a recipe. In particular, it wants to make cosmic hyperdonuts, but the last batch it made instantly deflated. So this time, it decides to use an excessive amount of cosmic baking soda. Of course, as recommended by the build-a-universe committee, black holio seeds are sprinkled in for good measure.
What happens next? Well, no need to ponder, because we’re in it right now. With that bamboozling introduction out of the way, let’s consider two questions:
- Could the universe really be shaped like a donut?
- Is Earth the only planet in the universe that isn’t gluten-free? If so, what are the implications of this, if any?
Topical Pastry Hypothesis
For some reason (disclaimer: I’m no astrophysicist), the donut-shaped universe really resonates with me. Perhaps, or rather, perchance, it’s because I secretly hope for a pastry-shaped universe. Or maybe the microbes in my gut control enough of my thought process, and love the idea of a donut-shaped cosmos.
But let’s look at what The Science says:
According to cosmologists, a toroidal universe is one of several possible shapes that could exist if space loops back on itself. Some theoretical models propose higher-dimensional hyper-torus structures, e.g. the Hyper-Torus Universe Model.1 Here, hyper- refers to higher-dimensional geometry — not to what happens when certain children are given too much sugar.
In cosmology, a toroidal universe doesn’t literally look like a donut floating in space. Instead, it’s what you get when you take a 3D cube and “glue” each pair of opposite faces together.2 Walk out the left side, you reappear from the right. Step through the floor, you drop in from the ceiling. Mathematically, this wrap-around cube behaves exactly like a 3D donut-shaped space — the same topology, just without frosting or sprinkles.
To illustrate an aspect of this universe-looping-back-on-itself idea, imagine walking in a straight line on Earth. The horizon from your perspective looks flat, but eventually, you’ll end up right back where you started. Of course, this is a hypothetical, because at one point you’d have to cross an ocean, which would make it rather difficult to continue that straight line. Maybe for the ocean sections, you’d have to morph into a fish to continue the odyssey, or rather an orca, so you’re at less risk of being on the menu.
Anyway, the shape of the universe is infinitely harder to prove than the shape of the Earth. But, based on maf-n-physiks (that’s math and physics; yes, I made it up, please don’t cite me), the toroidal (a.k.a. donut) universe is looking to be a not-so-nonsensical possibility.
So, while a donut-shaped universe remains unconfirmed, alongside any other possible shape, it’s a real contender. There may be a hole in the theory, but let’s face it, that’s rather difficult to avoid with this type of baked good.
Now, if the universe is a pastry, the question is, did the chef consider the dietary preferences of its inhabitants? If not, that could explain much of the current lack of alien foot traffic.
Interstellar Gluten Sensitivity: A Working Hypothesis
With all the strict laws of physics the universe already enforces — conservation of energy, speed-of-light limits, non-optional entropy increases — I’m genuinely surprised gluten wasn’t barred from existence. Considering the number of people who can’t tolerate it, you’d think the cosmos might have taken one look at wheat proteins and said, “Absolutely not, bad for business”.
But perhaps, or rather, perchance, this oversight isn’t completely random. It could, in fact, tie into one of the greatest astronomical mysteries:
The Fermi Paradox — if the universe is so big, where is everybody?
Some of the top reasons speculated so far that may explain our limited — or perhaps nonexistent — contact with aliens include:3
- Intelligent life accidentally erasing itself, perhaps by designing machines that go boom when someone presses a suspiciously colourful button
- Evolving into a smart alien species that can actually engineer things that allow it to tour the broader universe is highly unlikely
But something that hasn’t been explored…
Maybe all the aliens have severe gluten allergies.
I mean, think about it. You’re an alien who’s also head of the exploratory tourism (ET) department, brainstorming destinations to visit next. Now, as a species, your kind is extra smart, so it’s sequenced its DNA and reverse-engineered it to determine a list of all the compounds possible in the entire universe that it’s allergic to.
Before embarking on a tourism expedition, a risk assessment is always conducted, a key factor of which is the Catastrophic Allergy Likelihood Index (CALI). Now, billions of planets could be visited, but the head planet surveyor comes across a planet marked with a glowing red label by the algorithm. The surveyor finds this interesting, as it’s the first time such a label has been assigned to a planet, essentially deeming it a “100% no-go”.
Upon further inspection, the reason becomes instantly clear:
- CALI score: 100.
- Risk factor: gluten.
To your species, gluten is basically classified as no-no dust. One molecule of wheat protein and the entire crew goes into meltdown — hives, sneezes, spontaneous philosophical discussions about capitalism, alongside some members chanting, “It’s a dog-eat-dog world!” At that point, the mission is considered irreversibly compromised.
Naturally, Earth gets blacklisted, and because of the data-sharing laws enforced by the Cosmic Intelligence Agency (CIA), all other member species in the Intergalactic Union (IU) receive the blacklist notice as well. From their perspective, our planet isn’t a thriving haven — it’s a gluten-saturated hazard zone. A rogue bakery, unaware of universe pollution laws, that casually leaks allergens into space. The Board of Accredited Planetary Surveyors unanimously agrees that no amount of tourism appeal can outweigh the risk of encountering both wheat and capitalism in the same location.
Conclusion
In the end, whether the universe is a donut, a croissant, a macaron, or an overbaked pretzel, one thing seems clear: if it contains gluten, our chances of interstellar visitors remain slim. Perhaps, in a gluten-free universe, Earth might finally make it onto the galactic tourism brochures. Until then, we remain a mysterious, aloof, wheat-sporting anomaly — the universe’s most notorious bakery.
References
- McCammon, Chad. (2024). The Hyper-Torus Universe Model—A New Paradigm for Understanding Reality. 10.20944/preprints202406.0674.v3.
- Cornish, Spergel & Starkman (1998). Circles in the Sky: Finding Topology with the Microwave Background.
- Armstrong, S., & Sandberg, A. (2013). Eternity in six hours: Intergalactic spreading of intelligent life and sharpening the Fermi paradox. Acta Astronautica, 89, 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actaastro.2013.04.002